There is no other way to put it, really. This movie sucks. A lot.
Which is disappointing, you know, because I had high expectations. When Jurassic World roared into theaters 3 years ago, it was an unexpectedly great summer popcorn movie. In the hype leading up to its summer debut, I was certain it would be stupid. And it was. It was very stupid, with the raptor taming and everything else. But a stupid movie can also be entertaining, if done right. And the way Jurassic World was almost lovingly steeped in nostalgia was oddly endearing and, lets be honest, it was very entertaining! It lacked the depth and acting ability and logical plot and groundbreaking effects of the original, but the idea of dinosaurs running amok in a park has basically been proven to be a timeless one at this point. Plus it was fun the way the film built out the world of the theme park in ways that Michael Crichton only ever kind of hinted at in the books. The first day I arrived in Singapore three years ago, I took a nap at my hotel, had some iced coffee and then went to Golden Village in Katong to watch this movie. I had a blast and I knew everything was gonna be OK.
So, my hopes were high for this sequel. The first one was stupid-dumb fun, so surely this one would be too! Laura and I drove down to the cineplex, and I had my popcorn and my Coke and my seat up front and when the Jurassic Park logo hit the screen I was feeling pumped. I was excited. I couldn't wait to see the humans make a very poorly though-out plan, only to have it dissolve into dino-rampaging chaos immediately which is pretty much how these movies always work.
The first thing that suggested something was amiss was when I noticed there were a lot, and I mean A LOT, of families filing into the theater bringing little kids. Like really little. Like 4 or 5. Bringing little kids to a movie where dinosaurs are almost certainly going to be biting people in half seemed, to me, like it might constitute a lack of parental judgement. This feeling was soon validated, as within 5 minutes the little kid sitting next to me starting screaming at the top of his lungs as a fucking sea dinosaur bigger than a whale tried to eat a helicopter. Then that kid screaming made the little kid next to him start screaming. The kids' dad actually tried to salvage this situation for a while, almost as if HE DIDN'T KNOW THERE WOULD DEFINITELY BE MORE DINOSAURS EATING PEOPLE FOR THE REST OF THE MOVIE. Finally, he picked up his kids and walked out.
But, unfortunately, things didn't really improve from there. Remember earlier how I said dinosaurs running amok in a theme park is pretty much full-proof? Well, the makers of this film really failed to see this. I think the lesson they took away from Jurassic World is that dinosaurs doing ANYTHING, ANYWHERE is box office gold. So this time, instead of rampaging on an island the dinosaurs rampage inside an old Gothic mansion. Now, this creates a lot of problems because obviously a house, even a mansion, is built for human beings so putting a bunch of dinosaurs inside of it to rampage just, you know, it doesn't really make any sense.
I could go point by point about the film's other weaknesses (the bad acting, the charmless Chris Pratt, the terrible plot) but I think that would be a waste of time. Because to me the most offensive thing about this movie is that a bunch of writers tasked with developing this priceless IP sat around and collectively decided the thing to do with it was jam all the dinosaurs into a mansion and nobody, not one person, was like "Hey, you know what guys? This idea is fucking shit!" and moreover, nobody was able to come up with a better one!
It just, you know, it kind of makes me feel bad about humanity and our prospects as a civilization. I went in with such hope, and by the end all that optimism had evaporated into little tendrils of despair and I too wanted to join that little screaming child who surely, in his youthful wisdom and free from preconceptions and the weight of the world, must have somehow already known this film was going to be a turdburger and he screamed and beat back the currents of despair and he escaped it. Go with God, little man. You carry the torch for us all now.